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Anam Cara Care Centre         
Reverie Harp Heart & Soul Healing   

Soul Friend  Support - Empowering  Good Grief Care particularly for those bereaved by suicide ...but not limited to                                                 

nothing  about Grief is brief .....


At the time of trauma and grief, it may feel like losing control of your life. 


It may feel that  well meaning people, family and friends


invade your home.  


It can be a blessing and it be a curse. 

You need their support both physically and emotionally but

 


it can be a conflicting time that seems to just overwhelm you at times more often than not.

*  People arrive with food and this is a good thing because you are not capable of even thinking about


    preparing or cooking or even eating food. 


*  However,  this  food  can also  be an abrupt change to your usual diet and lead to digestion problems


   which can add to  everything else happening to you at this time.


The immediate sensations of grief can feel;


   *  like your chest is being squeezed in a vice and it is difficult to breath.


   *  It is very common for people to shallow breath or hold their breath for intermittent period of time


       which disrupting  the natural rhythm of your body and can be the cause of muscle tension pain,


       headache & other negative system changes grief brings us.  Grief affects 100% of our being.


   
   *  It may feel like your heart is being crushed or ripped out of your chest, literally.

   *  Your arms may physically ache for your loved one. No more embraces to come.

   *  You may feel like you are 'outside' your own body.  Shock is truly a wonderful protection


       mechanism.


   *  Use this state of being to observe  your physical body and take note of what is happening, how


      your breathing is, how your attitude is emotionally and mentally.  

   *  Although grief is an absolute experience on every level of your being, the one thing  you do have


      control of is your attitude to all that is happening.


   *  As difficult as it is,  if you choose  to have optimism, if you choose  to believe 'this too will pass'


     you are helping yourself to come through this intense emotional time in the best shape possible.


      This is called a Good Grief choice.



   *  Grief is very exhausting.  


       Caroline Myss (author & renowned speaker of consciousness and mysticism says;


      “Without stamina, the soul cannot  change directions or engage in healing or


       grab hold of opportunities that change your life."



   *  Delegate anything and everything that someone else can do for you reducing what your energy


       is spent on. 


   *  Never before have you been impacted upon every level of your being as you are with grief.


      It is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually challenging.

Every step in caring for yourself on all levels, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual which aids your ability to recover, to return to whole-hearted living and once again contribute socially and financially to your life and community, is a Good Grief choice.

Like the strict advice given in airline safety talk, put your own oxygen mask on first THEN help the children and others who need your care. 

Taking care of yourself allows you to
then care for those other family members you may be responsible for.  Share your grief with them.

The exhaustion can be overwhelming. 
It can feel like the worst concussion to your brain.
The inability to think, to concentrate, to make decisions, feeling confused, fluctuating from intense happy memories to intense horrific memories or thoughts is like being a cork in a raging ocean. 

But even a raging tempest ocean becomes calm eventually.  Focus on becoming calm.


You may not know where you are (metaphorically) or what you need (realistically) on any  given day.
 

The need for sleep is often desperate and mostly unattainable.  It seems we process our grief more in the wee small hours of the night,  when  there are no other distractions we can use to avoid this extremely difficult processing, like we can do throughout most of the day.   

Honour yourself and reduce the number of 'life balls'  you have been juggling and work on maintaining a sense of  balance in your life and home environment. 

Nothing else is important.  Nothing else is important.  Nothing else is important.....


It may well feel like you are walking a tightrope and can fall off anytime but just keep focused and believe you too can survive this and reach safe ground again. 

Like the tightrope walker you take little balanced steps through the entire journey ahead and keep your eye on where you are going. 

Anam Cara Care Good Grief Support can assist you through this time. 

Hope can be found.  Don't give up ! 

Hold on to Hope and remember 'this too will pass'.  Remember to breath ..... deeply.

Good Grief  Support can help you  through this mire of unremitting and overwhelming grief. 

It can be a time when it seems it would be easier to just let go, end our life and join our loved one.  Hold on. Hold on tight. Hold on very very tight.

The effort is so great. 
But this too will pass.  Have hope. Have hope. Be hope.
 
Think of the old Indian story of two wolves living inside each of us who battle for supremacy of our lives.

One wolf is full of hatred, blame, greed, bitterness, sorrow, sadness, guile, anger and uses that energy to control and manipulate.
One wolf is full of kindness, love, hope, faith, goodness, compassion, empathy, joy fullness, honesty and uses that energy to be trustworthy and have integrity with  everything in life.

The wolf who wins is the wolf  you feed.... as what you feed,   is who you become
 
Platitudes about 'being over it' or 'getting on with it'  can be very hurtful.  Speak your truth.
 
In many cases a person's financial situation may mean they have to return to work quickly but it is not a sign they are coping or healthy on any level.

It just means they need the money. 
Time. Time is what we need.

An employee who is struggling with grief will not be helped by pressure from their employer or other staff telling them 'you should be over this'.
 
 
Grief has a strange way of altering our perception of time.

In our busy fast paced lives today people are expected to get through the funeral and return back to work !!! 

Be 'over'  it. 
It is an 'unreal' expectation and very hurtful.

But time stands still in one sense and also races away in another.  Everything is now measured 'before and after'.
Keeping physically busy and suppressing your grief  can be very detrimental in the long term process of grieving.

It is not uncommon to have very elderly people facing their own mortality to then also find they are dealing with many unresolved griefs throughout their life.   

It is believed healthier,  to be consciously present  and work through grief at the time  it is experienced otherwise it can have serious affects upon our health for our entire lives.   Grieve when you are grieving in a pro-active way.

Grief can have  an effect upon your entire being that is unimaginable until you experience it.
Grief actually creates  chemical changes physiologically in our bodies that cause this intense pain without there being any physical damage to our body.  Be very kind to yourself.  Nurture yourself.
Every ACCC Grief Retreat

in NZ will have a screaming

room.  Absolutely.
The primal scream is a valid expression of our grief but how many people have a safe space to do that without drawing the unwanted attention of well meaning family, friends, neighbours and even the Police !?

Grief in the initial stages especially with sudden unexpected death such as murder or suicide,  can be so intense,  consuming you inside,  literally flooding your psyche with torrents of pain reducing you to an  inconsolable wreck who can not stop crying.   

Grief is so physically exhausting. 


Screaming under strict guidelines can be quite beneficial to one's sanity.  Especially when grieving. 
You may  lose confidence as result of not being able to control this overwhelming emotional pain. 

You can feel totally exposed, raw.


Routine activities become insurmountable, major challenges and can create panic or anxiety attacks in a person who in normal circumstance doesn't think twice about going shopping, or out to a social occasion with groups of friends.
 
You may notice acquaintances or even friends avoiding you or smothering you both of which have an unprecedented effect upon you, like all your senses are amplified 1000 times.  Think about what it is you need and find a way to ask for that.  Speak up and let people you love or know, know what you need.
 
It is also a time when the true gems in your life become apparent  quietly giving the  help you need, allowing you to rant and rave and cry, hanging out or bringing in the washing, doing the dishes, expressing their love for you and that you are not alone in this journey. 

They give you genuine hugs knowing how hard it is for you to be brave all the time.  They know you are scattered and shattered and feeling like you are disconnected from reality, unable to make the simplest of decisions and they expect nothing of you.  They expect nothing of you ....but they are there for you.

They are the rare gems indeed.
Breath work helps alleviate grief emotions by shifting stuck energy around our body. 

People grieving often hold their breath and are generally breathing very shallow. 

Lung issues are common, influenza, pneumonia are common as the lungs are considered the ‘seat of grief’ metaphysically.

Your immune system is very compromised when grieving and your chakra centres are fluctuating with your shifting emotions. 
Meditation and Om healing chants also have a healing impact.  Always remember upon waking to bring white light protection around you, like a bubble to avoid being 'zapped' by those around you who may need healing themselves.  

Remember to breath deeply for two minutes every hour.  Set your alarm if you have to.   I believe it is helpful to visualise each deep 'in breath' is your loved one sending you love and each deep 'out breath' is you sending love to them.  It helps on all levels.
Tears are one way of releasing emotional pressure.
 
Our tears are our love expressed in liquid form.

Never apologise to anyone for tears of love. 

Release your tears.  Express your love.


A grieving person can not predict the myriad of triggers that can bring forth tears of love.

It can be seeing something, hearing something, a song, a voice, a connection of some sort, a flower, a smell, a memory, a thought...is all it takes.  

Be kind to yourself and allow your liquid love free expression anytime you need to.

You may be feeling strong and good on any given day until someone you see asks how you are, says something, even maybe 'I am sorry to hear of your loss last year'  (maybe they have been avoiding you) and that will be the trigger.   It is all OK.

It may be that you woke feeling very fragile.  And it is all OK.   It is all OK.  It. Is. OK.


Like the moth to the flame your recent loss can be like the light drawing people who are also grieving or stuck in their grief to you at a time you are least prepared or equipped to deal with them. 
Always start your day by imagining a white light surrounding you to give you boundaries and protection.
Being heard is a very powerful thing.
Anam Cara Care is another option offering Goof Grief Support .... listening.
 
Good Grief support can be as simple as just sitting listening to the same story many times without judgement or becoming uncomfortable and wanting the person grieving 'to get over it'.  

Other people usually want you to be 'over it and moving on' what ever that means.... it is unhelpful.

In the telling of the story the grieving person is
processing what has happened, coming to terms with it, getting it 'out of their body and out of their mind' and it is heart and soul healing work taking place.

Reverie Harp sounds can help with this story telling and processing and majik can happen with healing of heart and soul in a very gentle yet powerful way.
 
 
 
We  all need healing on some level at some time and it is common when grief stories are unheard they are never resolved, affecting that persons life forever. 

Good Grief care involves body work, massage is very beneficial when grieving. 

It can lift your spirits as well as release lactic acid build up in tight tense muscles and bring some energy  yet a relaxed feeling as well and this brings hope that life will get better, a little step at a time. 

Massage helps to integrate emotional  thoughts and feelings on a  cellular level physically.
 
Having our grief, our loss recognised, being listened to, truly listened to, tears and all, helps us come to terms with this change in our lives.

Asking the name of their loved one and acknowledging their life, often helps just by the spoken recognition that this person does exist, not physically in our realm anymore but in memory, in heart and soul, absolutely, yes.
Take the time to speak of memories you have of someones loved one.  Never forget them.  Ask them genuinely how they are coping.  Be prepared to listen.  Truly listen.  YOU don't have to fix anything.

You do not have to 'fix' anything because you simply can't.  Unfortunately the worst has happened and now those left in this world must find a 'new way to live' without their loved one physically present. 
It takes time.  We never 'go back' to normal.  How can we ?  What is normal anyway ?


Good grief support is ensuring you also remember to have some unadulterated fun once in awhile.

It may be very difficult to do initially but even a walk or just sitting in the sunshine is a good start. 

You may need to push yourself into doing something you would ordinarily have enjoyed, like listening to an  uplifting piece of music and it may also be cathartic but that's OK. 
These are conscious choices that form the basis of supporting you through this journey of grief in a good and mindful way.   Take care of yourself.  Over and over again.
 
 

Using the beautiful sounds of Reverie Harp is integral to Anam Cara Care - Good Grief Support.

Harp music is as close to pure sound as is possible,  resonating directly with our Heart &  Soul allowing a higher level of healing to happen. 

May you find your way to such good care generated from the loving heart, anywhere in the world.  Namaste